on men....

honestly, we should have more to talk about in our lives other than men.  unfortunately our jobs and social lives aren't that interesting - you don't understand my SAS programming that i do at work and you quite frankly could care less about my knitting circle on saturdays, so men serves as common ground for us.

for the most part i have been relatively unconcerned about my singularity for a while.  it's entirely by choice.  some man generally asks me for my phone number weekly, and i refuse them all, citing 'strange circumstances' (like jumping out of your car while i am sitting at the bus stop), bad moods, or some other reason to say 'sorry, I have a husband and he wouldn't appreciate that'.  some would say that i need to stop being as selective when it comes to choosing a mate.  i say that being less selective (and settling) is why i am single now - it never works out.   i'm not the knight in shining armor type, just the 'please challenge me intellectually and be a fun non-couch potato that i'm attracted to' type.

admittedly the winter blues has set in a bit and while everyone is snug as a bug in a rug with their sweethearts, i snuggle with my cats and bottles of shiraz.  that's certainly not meant as a pity party for one - i am rather content enjoying my own company and singing love songs loudly to my cats (which they rather hate), but i'd be a filthy liar if i said that i didn't get lonely sometimes. 

and loneliness tends to be fleeting for me.  i suppose what i miss the most is not even the physical - that is available for me if i want it, but what i miss is having the long philosophical discussions that move my mind - with someone i love.  that kind of loneliness - the lack of sufficient mental stimulation - transcends the boy-girl gig. 

i live in the shadow of an interesting set of paradoxes.  i'm inadequate and intimidating on the same flip.  i'm a fractal in a spherical world.  i'm too shallow (have you seen my handbag collection??) yet too deep (let's talk about the large hadron collider or progressive religion or the plight of indigenous people *cough cough*).  i sit squarely in the middle of gorgeously intelligent slobbish freak.  which makes me accessible to everyone but touchable by none.  i'm a square peg in a round hole.   but get this, there are men in different corners of this world who could live up to the challenge of me, but none coming across my path locally, and oh about a laundry list of other things i can comment on. 

i'm not trying to be full of myself.  i actually work damn hard at humility. but i can't round off my corners any more to fit the mold. 

with that said, i am trying to be more proactive about my dating life this year.  'letting the cards fall as they may' is probably the most idiotic advice anyone has ever given regarding relationships.  you wouldn't let the cards fall as they may when it comes to job hunting, and i'm at a point in my life where i have enough superficial relationships.  as a matter of fact, i'm trying to trim some of those from my life.  they are irritating and time consuming. 

i just want some reassurance that my situation isn't entirely impossible.  even that will do.

emme